i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
