I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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