I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
