I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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