I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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