Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
