You smell like a Billy Joel song
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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