Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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