if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
