i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
