glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
