I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
