btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
