Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
