I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Yo dont text me then not text me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
