This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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