All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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