just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
