I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
and you fell through a lawn chair
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
