I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
