I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He felt like a one man threesome
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
