I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im six kinds of drunk right now
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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