I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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