I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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