Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
