just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
