hotel room ftw
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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