I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
