Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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