I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
