were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
