I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
