Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
