i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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