Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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