that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
