They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
