so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
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