just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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