All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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