Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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