i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
