It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
