Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
