The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
