between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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