well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
