OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I just found a bag of teeth...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
