i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
