I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
