i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
