Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
