there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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