she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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