his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
