im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
