U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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