Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
