Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
